Robert Green and Oil Jokes
At least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about...
If life hands you lemons consider yourself lucky that you weren't "handed" a soccer ball like Robert Green.Before he got into football, Robert Green was a bus driver. But he got fired because he couldn't make any stops.* Why is Robert Green like ITV HD? They both switch off at the crucial moment.* Yesterday at London Zoo one of the staff let a a Central American monkey slip out of his grasp. So Robert Green's not the only English keeper to drop a Howler.* What does Robert Green do after winning the World Cup? Drops his controller.* Robert Green has just been refused a Savings Account in his Local Bank* At least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about...* All these Rob Green jokes are getting out of hand...In fact they're crossing the line* Kermit was right: It's not easy being Green.* The England lads had a get-together after the game and bought Robert Green a drink to commiserate. He spilled it.* Steven Gerrard said: "The whole team is behind Rob Green." With hindsight, that's a good place to stand.* My computer's got the Robert Green virus. It can't save anything.
What does an Englishman do after his team wins the 2010 World Cup?
Switches off his PlayStation!
Heaven vs. Hell Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan proposed a soccer game between heaven and earth. God, always fair, told the devil, 'the heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?' The devil, smiling, responded 'yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."
Rules Of The Game At one point during a soccer game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when offsides is called, or a handball is not called, you don't argue or curse or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
Striker: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick myself."
Manager: "I wouldn't bother. You'd probably miss."
A football player had dislocated his shoulder in a nasty challenge, and was still screaming in agony when they got him to hospital."For Heaven's sake," said the doctor, "don't be such a baby, you're supposed to be a big, tough defender. There's a woman having a baby next door and she's not making anything like the noise that you are.""That's as may be," wailed the footballer, "but, in her case, nobody's trying to push anything back in."
Offside definitionDefinition 1 : The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.Definition 2 : The offside rule is there to attract to football those people who can already explain how to play cricketDefinition 3 : A player is offside if they are nearer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second last player - except on alternate Saturdays when in addition the second last player must be facing in the opposite goals direction in which the ball is directed.A player is not offside if they are in their own half of the field, or they are level with the second last opponent, or the player, opponent and referee form a triangle as perceived by an imaginary linesmen positioned on the Celestial Meridian.All offside regulations are immediately found to be in favour of the defending team if shortly after the ball is played they all stop, in unison, and raise their right arm to the linesman and appeal for an offside decision.
Spare whistleA well-known footballer and his wife recently decided to take a holiday at a nudist camp. He was asked to referee the camp football match but, surprisingly, he declined the offer.'Why did you refuse to referee that match?' asked his wife.'I wasn't too happy about where I had to carry the spare whistle,' replied the husband.
How do hens encourage their football teams ?
They egg them on !Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches ?
They prefer cricket matches ! Why did the chicken get sent off ?
For persistent fowl play ! Why didn't the dog want to play football ?
It was a boxer ! Which insect didn't play well in goal ?
The fumble bee ! Where do spiders play their FA Cup final ?
Webley stadium ! When fish play football, who is the captain ?
The team's kipper ! Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market ?
They tend to go cheep ! How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden ?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts ! Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats ?
They might be cheetahs !
UNDERCOVER REPORTER
What a Dedicated Fan
Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool; Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat - next to Michael.'Who does that seat belong to?' asked the person in the next seat.
'My wife usually sits there.' Michael replied'But why isn't she here?' the neighbour persisted
'She died.' Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.'So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your mates?'
'They've all gone to the funeral.' Said Michael.
Picked for the school team"Dad, dad!" cried Philip, as he arrived home one evening. "I think I've been selected for the school football team.""That's good," said his father. "But why do you only think you've been selected? Aren't you sure? What position are you playing?""Well," replied Philip, "it's not been announced officially, but I overheard the football coach tell my teacher that if I was in the team I'd be a great draw-back.
Struck by lightningThere is only one recorded instance in soccer history of a goalkeeper being struck by lightning during a match. The goalkeeper was killed instantly and went straight to Heaven. He was greeted by an Archangel who offered to show him around.'Would you like to see our football pitch?' asked the Archangel.'Football pitch?' said the goalkeeper. 'Do you play football here?''Of course,' said the Archangel. 'We're playing Hell tomorrow in the Cup and we needed someone in goal. Why do you think we sent for you?
Really terrible legA full back with a reputation for being a really hard man on the pitch was sent off during a match. Returning to the changing room, he had a terrible leg.It was covered in cuts and bruises and had a massive gash from the top of the thigh to the knee. He had no idea whose it was.
An American visitor to England watched his very first first football match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.ootball match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.After the match he fell into conversation with one of the English players and remarked, 'You know, over in the States, our players wear thick protective clothing. You guys must be frozen stiff in those light clothes.''It's not so bad,' said the Englishman. 'Sometimes the ground is covered in snow.''You don't say!' exclaimed the American. 'What do you do about the balls? Paint them red?''Oh, no,' said the player. 'We just wear an extra pair of shorts.'
Funny Scouser Soccer Story
Memory Man
Robbie, the Scouser, [person born in Liverpool, England], is touring America on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Montana. He's chatting to the barman when he sees an old native American sitting in a corner-complete with full tribal gear, long plaits and wrinkles.'Who's he?' enquires Robbie.
'That's the Memory Man,' responds the barman. 'He knows everything. He can remember any sporting fact. Go and try him out.'So Robbie wanders over and asks, 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'
'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man.Robbie is flabbergasted.
'Who did they beat?''Leeds,' is the reply.' And the score?'
'2-1.'Amazed but not totally convinced Robbie Dave tries something more specific.
'Who scored the winning goal?'Without blinking the native American replies, 'Ian St John.'Robbie, the Liverpudlian returns home and regales his relatives and friends with his tale, and he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man.Ten years later he has saved enough money and returns to America. After weeks of searching through the towns of Montana, Dave Robbie, the Scouser steps forward, bows and greets the old man in his traditional native tongue, 'How.'The Memory Man squints at Robbie and says, 'Diving header in the six-yard box.'Some Funny, Short Soccer Jokes
Scottish Referee
What do you call a Scottish player in the first round of the World Cup?
The Referee.World Cup Referee
It was the World Cup Final dinner and dance held in the evening, after the final. The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers arrived without tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the referee.''Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?' said the bouncer as he threw them out.
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell.
God, invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. The devil proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell. God, always fair, said to the devil, "The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided. Don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"
David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice
David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
David Beckham walks into a pub.
The landlord says 'A pint of your usual, David?'
Beckham replies 'No, just a half, then I'm off'
Its the year 2019 and Romeo Beckham is about to sign professional terms with Manchester United. Pondering the situation, he asks his Father, "What squad number should I ask for dad?"
David thinks for a moment and says...
"Wear four out there Romeo"
Q: What do Barry Manilow and David Beckham have in common?
A: A: They are both f***ing useless singers.
Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box
Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
A: Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.
Q: What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common.
A: They both go in and out of Victoria
Q: What do the England footbal team and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: They've both been screwed by David Beckham.
Q: Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
A: Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!
David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ruud Van Nistelroy.
Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head.
"No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers...."I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies. "You're next."
This David Beckham jokes collection is © by Humorsphere - you can use some of these jokes on your site if you include the following caption:
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Damn Vuvuzelas!!!!
**BRING BACK THE RATTLE!
Comedian Jason Manford , "I'd ban the bands, drums, horns, bagpipes, brass instruments, bells, whistles, foghorns, comb and paper, sitars, didgeridoos... "
However England's famed supporters' band told South Africa's horn-honking crowds:
"Anything vu can do, we can vu better."
2010 South Africa World Cup Theme Song:
Killing me softly with their vuvuzelas
Songs about Vuvzelas:
1
Noise Noise Noise
The Damned
Mark 68
2
Bring The Noise
Public Enemy, Anthrax & Ice T
jasonaparkes
3
Queens Of Noise
The RunawaysShivSideCar
4
Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Noise?
Age Of Chance
ireallylovemusic
5
Boom Boom
Hooker, John Lee
webcorewebcore
6
Boom Bang-a-Bang
Lulu
tincanman
7
Beautiful Noise
Diamond, Neil
Dee Sawdeley
8
Eardrum Buzz
Wire
ShivSideCar
9
Lazy Sunday Afternoon
Small Faces
gordonimmel
10
Turn That Noise Down
Chas 'n' Dave
Jegard
My Favourite South African Vuvuzela Song:
Silence is Golden
Commentators have compared the noise to stampeding elephants, a swarm of locusts, a goat on the way to slaughter and "a giant hive of very angry bees".
The 144 decibel din can equal a jet taking off and has been criticised by stars including Portugal's Cristiano Ronaldo, Argentina's Lionel Messi and French captain Patrice Evra.
The Germans have been among the biggest complainers, despite beating Australia 4-0 on Sunday.
Defender Arne Friedrich said the noise was "bloody loud". Politicians claimed it could mask emergency announcements.
Pro-ban websites have been set up across Europe. And celebrities have joined the call.
TV presenter Jonathan Ross said: "It's a horrid noise. Someone please make it stop. Bring back the rattle."
I didn’t know South Africa had weapons of mass destruction.
It's taking all the attention away from the World Cup matches. The only thing rivalling the vuvuzela is Robert Green's howler against the USA.
If Vuvuzelas are banned, security's most common question will be, "Is that a Vuvuzela in your pants?"
I have nothing against South Africans, it's just that there are so many of them and do they really have to be so aggressive
with all the singing and smiling and hand-shaking?"
" I have no problem with Africans "if they only tried to be more European".
"We're not asking for a lot," "Just perhaps a little
hair relaxant, some cigarettes, and an overwhelming sense of the
futility of hope."
Meanwhile, a delegation of South Africans has asked visiting Spaniards
to stop lisping.
"For goodness sake, English is our sixth language and we can still say
's', " "It's not Nelthon Mandela, okay? It's Nelson.
Nelssssson."
"think long and hard" before asking
locals for directions to Thanton Thquare and the thocker thtadium at
Thocker Thity.
"Spanish is just such a freaking ugly language," "It's all
just 'eth eth eth eth'. FIFA should do something about it."
Football and the World Cup is on. I have tried to watch a few games, but the spectators' blowing of vuvuzelas (those damn plastic trumpets) has made them unwatchable.
It feels like these Vuvuzela things are invading the world
Undoubtedly, there is something loveable about the vuvuzela, i own one, although i cant blow it..:-(. However, I have a little beef with the vuvuzela especially when it comes to the conflict it creates.
I hate hearing it from morning to the following morning. It is just not fair, its inconsiderate for people to go on and on with it as they do. I hate that when you complain about it you are accused of not being patriotic. I feel that some people are using it to deliberately annoy people and disturb peace using the soccer celebration as an excuse.Its comparable to young boys who join strikes whose causes they do not really understand, just so that they can bunk school and cause chaos.
Can’t these idiots expend some energy in a more orthodox manner? I don’t know, maybe by clapping, cheering, chanting…… or streaking.
By William Langley
Published: 10:45AM BST 13 Jun 2010
Ah, the glorious sounds of an English sporting summer; the whack of willow on leather, the thundering hooves of thoroughbreds, the screams of abuse as I opened up with a vuvuzela at Queens Club.
Be very afraid. The fearsome soundtrack to the World Cup is on its way to a sports event near you. Trees will be stripped of their leaves.
Grandstands will creak and shudder. Supposedly invented to scare baboons away from remote African villages, the mass-produced vuvuzela makes the kind of noise you'd expect to hear if you had a hippo in a headlock.
Practised players can generate an awesome 127-decibels, a level humans rarely encounter outside war zones or Twisted Sister concerts.
All this from a simple plastic trumpet? The secret, apparently, is hitting the raucous "BAAARRRP" note – an operation that requires careful concentration and stupendous amounts of puff.
"Loud and proud," boast the massed South African football fans who – to the dismay of the game's stiffer elements – intend to fill every stadium with a racket that makes "Ing-er-lund" sound like Ave Maria.
But how would the 'vuvu' play, so to speak, at other sports events? I set off on a trip around some quintessentially English venues to find out.
"They'll never let you take that in, old boy," a chap in a Panama hat told me as we stood in the queue outside Queen's Club, West London, where some of the world's best tennis players were engaged in the annual pre-Wimbledon grass court tournament. Ahead was an ominous sign which said: 'Bag Search'.
This required some fast thinking. You can't conceal a three-foot trumpet in your trouser leg without the risk of someone saying: "Is that a vuvuzela in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"
What else could I do? Maybe claim it was a hearing aid, or that I was an entrant for the Queen's Club 'Yard of Pimm's' competition.
In fact, all I got was nods and smiles, and helpful directions to my £80 seat. Great. I couldn't wait to see the effect on top seed Rafa Nadal's 130mph serve as I let loose with what the prominent South African sportswriter Jon Qwelane calls: "an instrument of hell".
First though, I thought I'd have a little warm up outside the refreshment tent. And that was when the problems started.
The prevailing sound in this reassuringly recession-proof corner of the world was the civilised slurping of champagne and strawberries, and the low burble of cultivated conversation.
One blast on the vuvu changed all that. Flags that had been merely fluttering in the breeze stood straight out. The prawns in the cocktails got up and started dancing. Then the shouts began. "Put it away!" "Ghastly!" "Learn how to play."
“At point blank range, a blast to the ear with the Vuvzela causes the red blood cells in your brain to ignite”.
However, a solution is in sight – a set of Vuvuzela-shaped earplugs for Zela-haters. “A prototype, high-quality vuvuzela-shaped earplug, which comes in various colours, is in the final stage of completion,”
On Twitter:
Less than two honking hours before kick off. Stretch it out and let's get warmed up....==========<() Hhhhoooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnlkkkkkk
Is it just me, or is this the equivalent of giving a fully-loaded nail gun to a lobotomised chimp? May God have mercy on us all…
And I’m not sure what ‘igniting’ red blood cells in your brain means but it sounds not entirely dissimilar to a seizure.
Oh, South Africa. First apartheid and now this?
BLASTER OF CEREMONIES ... Japanese fan enjoys the atmosphere
Giant Vuvuzela erected on unfinished highway in Green Point.
It's going to make a noise every time a goal is scored.
Very, very lucky local residents.
From Wikipedia
The vuvuzela (English pronunciation: /vuːvuːˈzeɪlə/) , sometimes called a "lepatata" (its Tswana name) or a stadium horn, is a blowing horn up to approximately 1 m (3 ft 3 in) in length. It is commonly blown by fansat football matches in South Africa.[1] The instrument is played using a simple brass instrument technique of blowing through compressed lips to create a buzz, and emits (from the standard shorter horn of about 60–65 cm) a loud monotone (B♭3). A similar instrument (known as corneta in Brazil and other Latin American countries) is used by football fans in South America.[2] Very similar plastic horns have also been a tradition at the Quebec Winter Carnival for many years.[3]
Vuvuzelas have been controversial.[4] They have been associated with permanent noise-induced hearing loss,[5]cited as a possible safety risk when spectators cannot hear evacuationannouncements,[6] and potentially spread colds and flu viruses on a greater scale than coughing or shouting.[7][8] Vuvuzelas have also been blamed for drowning the sound and atmosphere of football games.[9][10] Commentators have described the sound as "annoying" and "satanic"[11] and compared it with "a stampede of noisy elephants",[12] "a deafening swarm of locusts",[13] "a goat on the way to slaughter",[14] and "a giant hive full of very angry bees".[15]
The sound level of the instrument has been measured at 127 decibels[16][5] contributing to football matches with dangerously high sound pressure levels for unprotected ears.[17] A new model, however, announced on 14 June 2010, has a modified mouthpiece which is claimed to reduce the volume by 20 dB.[16]
Go, England, Go!!!
I'm a English football fan because Rooney and Green "PLAY" on the squad. They're funny just like those other comedians, Mickey Rooney and Tom Green.
Capello called Heskey after a disastrous game and said - Heskey, you were rubbish, you can't even score with no Goalkeeper between the posts from 6 yards out.
"Don't pay any attention to him, Emile", said captain Gerrard, trying to be encouraging. "He doesn't know what he's talking about. He only repeats what everybody else says."
Why are English Fane happy that Australia has a team in the 2020 World Cup? Because they'll have a team to support in the second round.
Shaun Wright Phillips walks into a night club in Johannesburg and sees a stunning leggy blonde beauty on the dance floor.
He approaches her and says, "Get your coat, your coming back to my hotel with me tonight."
She looks at him and replies, "Goodness, You're a little forward!"
• Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"
• What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.
• What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save the day.
• Three hours of football and Robert Green is still England's top scorer.
• I can't believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian
• What's the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney? The jet engine eventually stops whining.
• Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the England dressing room – Robert Green was guarding the door
• What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Before I came on here, I looked in the mirror and say'd "be confident". Fabio Capello told Wayne Rooney to have a long look at himself in the mirror. Like that's going to improve his confidence.
I can't believe we only managed a draw against a poor team we should easily have beaten. I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.
The England team went out to visit an orphanage in Cape Town on Saturday morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible," said Jamal Umboto, aged 6.
In honour of England's display against Algeria, we're unveiling a new national flag. It's the same design as before but without the red cross.
Fabio Capello gave Rob Green extra training today & after an extra 4hrs and 3000 shots he never let a goal in. Fabio was very pleased and later said in a press report "Rob green can now train with the rest of the team & not just with Emile Heskey!!
DINNER WITH THE SOCCER MOMS
A group of 40 year old soccer moms discussed where they should meet
for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the
Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and
nice buns.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was
very good and the wine selection was good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed
where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in
peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the
ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was
wheelchair Accessible and they even had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been
there before.
OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal.
OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just lose their kick.
A man went off to a football match one Saturday afternoon, and while he was away his wife was 'visited by a 'friend'who just happened to be jogging past her house and was dressed in shorts and singlet.
The wife was happily entertaining him on the sofa when suddenly they heard her husband coming through the front door.
Quick as a flash, the visitor hid behind the large television set in the corner.
The husband came in and said...
'It's started to pour with rain so I thought I'd come home and watch the second half on telly.'
He switched on the television and settled down to watch the game. After about twenty minutes the wife's visitor started to get severe cramp so, casting caution to the winds, he calmly got up from behind the set and walked out of the room.
The husband turned to his wife and said...
'That's funny - I didn't see the ref send him off.'
The French manager at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa won't stand for any nonsense. Last Saturday he caught a couple of fans climbing over the stadium wall.
He was furious. He grabbed them by the collars and said,
"Now you just get back in there and watch the game till it finishes."
Damn Vuvuzelas!
Robert Green and Oil Jokes
At least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about...
If life hands you lemons consider yourself lucky that you weren't "handed" a soccer ball like Robert Green.Before he got into football, Robert Green was a bus driver. But he got fired because he couldn't make any stops.* Why is Robert Green like ITV HD? They both switch off at the crucial moment.* Yesterday at London Zoo one of the staff let a a Central American monkey slip out of his grasp. So Robert Green's not the only English keeper to drop a Howler.* What does Robert Green do after winning the World Cup? Drops his controller.* Robert Green has just been refused a Savings Account in his Local Bank* At least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about...* All these Rob Green jokes are getting out of hand...In fact they're crossing the line* Kermit was right: It's not easy being Green.* The England lads had a get-together after the game and bought Robert Green a drink to commiserate. He spilled it.* Steven Gerrard said: "The whole team is behind Rob Green." With hindsight, that's a good place to stand.* My computer's got the Robert Green virus. It can't save anything.
What does an Englishman do after his team wins the 2010 World Cup?
Switches off his PlayStation!
Heaven vs. Hell Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan proposed a soccer game between heaven and earth. God, always fair, told the devil, 'the heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?' The devil, smiling, responded 'yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."
Rules Of The Game At one point during a soccer game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when offsides is called, or a handball is not called, you don't argue or curse or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
Striker: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick myself."
Manager: "I wouldn't bother. You'd probably miss."
A football player had dislocated his shoulder in a nasty challenge, and was still screaming in agony when they got him to hospital."For Heaven's sake," said the doctor, "don't be such a baby, you're supposed to be a big, tough defender. There's a woman having a baby next door and she's not making anything like the noise that you are.""That's as may be," wailed the footballer, "but, in her case, nobody's trying to push anything back in."
Offside definitionDefinition 1 : The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.Definition 2 : The offside rule is there to attract to football those people who can already explain how to play cricketDefinition 3 : A player is offside if they are nearer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second last player - except on alternate Saturdays when in addition the second last player must be facing in the opposite goals direction in which the ball is directed.A player is not offside if they are in their own half of the field, or they are level with the second last opponent, or the player, opponent and referee form a triangle as perceived by an imaginary linesmen positioned on the Celestial Meridian.All offside regulations are immediately found to be in favour of the defending team if shortly after the ball is played they all stop, in unison, and raise their right arm to the linesman and appeal for an offside decision.
Spare whistleA well-known footballer and his wife recently decided to take a holiday at a nudist camp. He was asked to referee the camp football match but, surprisingly, he declined the offer.'Why did you refuse to referee that match?' asked his wife.'I wasn't too happy about where I had to carry the spare whistle,' replied the husband.
How do hens encourage their football teams ?
They egg them on !Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches ?
They prefer cricket matches ! Why did the chicken get sent off ?
For persistent fowl play ! Why didn't the dog want to play football ?
It was a boxer ! Which insect didn't play well in goal ?
The fumble bee ! Where do spiders play their FA Cup final ?
Webley stadium ! When fish play football, who is the captain ?
The team's kipper ! Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market ?
They tend to go cheep ! How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden ?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts ! Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats ?
They might be cheetahs !
UNDERCOVER REPORTER
What a Dedicated Fan
Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool; Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat - next to Michael.'Who does that seat belong to?' asked the person in the next seat.
'My wife usually sits there.' Michael replied'But why isn't she here?' the neighbour persisted
'She died.' Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.'So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your mates?'
'They've all gone to the funeral.' Said Michael.
Picked for the school team"Dad, dad!" cried Philip, as he arrived home one evening. "I think I've been selected for the school football team.""That's good," said his father. "But why do you only think you've been selected? Aren't you sure? What position are you playing?""Well," replied Philip, "it's not been announced officially, but I overheard the football coach tell my teacher that if I was in the team I'd be a great draw-back.
Struck by lightningThere is only one recorded instance in soccer history of a goalkeeper being struck by lightning during a match. The goalkeeper was killed instantly and went straight to Heaven. He was greeted by an Archangel who offered to show him around.'Would you like to see our football pitch?' asked the Archangel.'Football pitch?' said the goalkeeper. 'Do you play football here?''Of course,' said the Archangel. 'We're playing Hell tomorrow in the Cup and we needed someone in goal. Why do you think we sent for you?
Really terrible legA full back with a reputation for being a really hard man on the pitch was sent off during a match. Returning to the changing room, he had a terrible leg.It was covered in cuts and bruises and had a massive gash from the top of the thigh to the knee. He had no idea whose it was.
An American visitor to England watched his very first first football match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.ootball match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.After the match he fell into conversation with one of the English players and remarked, 'You know, over in the States, our players wear thick protective clothing. You guys must be frozen stiff in those light clothes.''It's not so bad,' said the Englishman. 'Sometimes the ground is covered in snow.''You don't say!' exclaimed the American. 'What do you do about the balls? Paint them red?''Oh, no,' said the player. 'We just wear an extra pair of shorts.'
Funny Scouser Soccer Story
Memory Man
Robbie, the Scouser, [person born in Liverpool, England], is touring America on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Montana. He's chatting to the barman when he sees an old native American sitting in a corner-complete with full tribal gear, long plaits and wrinkles.'Who's he?' enquires Robbie.
'That's the Memory Man,' responds the barman. 'He knows everything. He can remember any sporting fact. Go and try him out.'So Robbie wanders over and asks, 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'
'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man.Robbie is flabbergasted.
'Who did they beat?''Leeds,' is the reply.' And the score?'
'2-1.'Amazed but not totally convinced Robbie Dave tries something more specific.
'Who scored the winning goal?'Without blinking the native American replies, 'Ian St John.'Robbie, the Liverpudlian returns home and regales his relatives and friends with his tale, and he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man.Ten years later he has saved enough money and returns to America. After weeks of searching through the towns of Montana, Dave Robbie, the Scouser steps forward, bows and greets the old man in his traditional native tongue, 'How.'The Memory Man squints at Robbie and says, 'Diving header in the six-yard box.'Some Funny, Short Soccer Jokes
Scottish Referee
What do you call a Scottish player in the first round of the World Cup?
The Referee.World Cup Referee
It was the World Cup Final dinner and dance held in the evening, after the final. The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers arrived without tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the referee.''Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?' said the bouncer as he threw them out.
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell.
God, invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. The devil proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell. God, always fair, said to the devil, "The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided. Don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"
David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice
David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
David Beckham walks into a pub.
The landlord says 'A pint of your usual, David?'
Beckham replies 'No, just a half, then I'm off'
Its the year 2019 and Romeo Beckham is about to sign professional terms with Manchester United. Pondering the situation, he asks his Father, "What squad number should I ask for dad?"
David thinks for a moment and says...
"Wear four out there Romeo"
Q: What do Barry Manilow and David Beckham have in common?
A: A: They are both f***ing useless singers.
Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box
Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
A: Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.
Q: What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common.
A: They both go in and out of Victoria
Q: What do the England footbal team and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: They've both been screwed by David Beckham.
Q: Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
A: Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!
David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ruud Van Nistelroy.
Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head.
"No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers...."I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies. "You're next."
This David Beckham jokes collection is © by Humorsphere - you can use some of these jokes on your site if you include the following caption:
This football joke collection is courtesy of HumorSphere.com , the number 1 destination for jokes, funny pictures and crazy humor.Click Here to visit HumorSphere.
Damn Vuvuzelas!!!!
**BRING BACK THE RATTLE!
Comedian Jason Manford , "I'd ban the bands, drums, horns, bagpipes, brass instruments, bells, whistles, foghorns, comb and paper, sitars, didgeridoos... "
However England's famed supporters' band told South Africa's horn-honking crowds:
"Anything vu can do, we can vu better."
2010 South Africa World Cup Theme Song:
Killing me softly with their vuvuzelas
Songs about Vuvzelas:
1
Noise Noise Noise
The Damned
Mark 68
2
Bring The Noise
Public Enemy, Anthrax & Ice T
jasonaparkes
3
Queens Of Noise
The RunawaysShivSideCar
4
Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Noise?
Age Of Chance
ireallylovemusic
5
Boom Boom
Hooker, John Lee
webcorewebcore
6
Boom Bang-a-Bang
Lulu
tincanman
7
Beautiful Noise
Diamond, Neil
Dee Sawdeley
8
Eardrum Buzz
Wire
ShivSideCar
9
Lazy Sunday Afternoon
Small Faces
gordonimmel
10
Turn That Noise Down
Chas 'n' Dave
Jegard
My Favourite South African Vuvuzela Song:
Silence is Golden
Commentators have compared the noise to stampeding elephants, a swarm of locusts, a goat on the way to slaughter and "a giant hive of very angry bees".
The 144 decibel din can equal a jet taking off and has been criticised by stars including Portugal's Cristiano Ronaldo, Argentina's Lionel Messi and French captain Patrice Evra.
The Germans have been among the biggest complainers, despite beating Australia 4-0 on Sunday.
Defender Arne Friedrich said the noise was "bloody loud". Politicians claimed it could mask emergency announcements.
Pro-ban websites have been set up across Europe. And celebrities have joined the call.
TV presenter Jonathan Ross said: "It's a horrid noise. Someone please make it stop. Bring back the rattle."
I didn’t know South Africa had weapons of mass destruction.
It's taking all the attention away from the World Cup matches. The only thing rivalling the vuvuzela is Robert Green's howler against the USA.
If Vuvuzelas are banned, security's most common question will be, "Is that a Vuvuzela in your pants?"
I have nothing against South Africans, it's just that there are so many of them and do they really have to be so aggressive
with all the singing and smiling and hand-shaking?"
" I have no problem with Africans "if they only tried to be more European".
"We're not asking for a lot," "Just perhaps a little
hair relaxant, some cigarettes, and an overwhelming sense of the
futility of hope."
Meanwhile, a delegation of South Africans has asked visiting Spaniards
to stop lisping.
"For goodness sake, English is our sixth language and we can still say
's', " "It's not Nelthon Mandela, okay? It's Nelson.
Nelssssson."
"think long and hard" before asking
locals for directions to Thanton Thquare and the thocker thtadium at
Thocker Thity.
"Spanish is just such a freaking ugly language," "It's all
just 'eth eth eth eth'. FIFA should do something about it."
Football and the World Cup is on. I have tried to watch a few games, but the spectators' blowing of vuvuzelas (those damn plastic trumpets) has made them unwatchable.
It feels like these Vuvuzela things are invading the world
Undoubtedly, there is something loveable about the vuvuzela, i own one, although i cant blow it..:-(. However, I have a little beef with the vuvuzela especially when it comes to the conflict it creates.
I hate hearing it from morning to the following morning. It is just not fair, its inconsiderate for people to go on and on with it as they do. I hate that when you complain about it you are accused of not being patriotic. I feel that some people are using it to deliberately annoy people and disturb peace using the soccer celebration as an excuse.Its comparable to young boys who join strikes whose causes they do not really understand, just so that they can bunk school and cause chaos.
Can’t these idiots expend some energy in a more orthodox manner? I don’t know, maybe by clapping, cheering, chanting…… or streaking.
By William Langley
Published: 10:45AM BST 13 Jun 2010
Ah, the glorious sounds of an English sporting summer; the whack of willow on leather, the thundering hooves of thoroughbreds, the screams of abuse as I opened up with a vuvuzela at Queens Club.
Be very afraid. The fearsome soundtrack to the World Cup is on its way to a sports event near you. Trees will be stripped of their leaves.
Grandstands will creak and shudder. Supposedly invented to scare baboons away from remote African villages, the mass-produced vuvuzela makes the kind of noise you'd expect to hear if you had a hippo in a headlock.
Practised players can generate an awesome 127-decibels, a level humans rarely encounter outside war zones or Twisted Sister concerts.
All this from a simple plastic trumpet? The secret, apparently, is hitting the raucous "BAAARRRP" note – an operation that requires careful concentration and stupendous amounts of puff.
"Loud and proud," boast the massed South African football fans who – to the dismay of the game's stiffer elements – intend to fill every stadium with a racket that makes "Ing-er-lund" sound like Ave Maria.
But how would the 'vuvu' play, so to speak, at other sports events? I set off on a trip around some quintessentially English venues to find out.
"They'll never let you take that in, old boy," a chap in a Panama hat told me as we stood in the queue outside Queen's Club, West London, where some of the world's best tennis players were engaged in the annual pre-Wimbledon grass court tournament. Ahead was an ominous sign which said: 'Bag Search'.
This required some fast thinking. You can't conceal a three-foot trumpet in your trouser leg without the risk of someone saying: "Is that a vuvuzela in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"
What else could I do? Maybe claim it was a hearing aid, or that I was an entrant for the Queen's Club 'Yard of Pimm's' competition.
In fact, all I got was nods and smiles, and helpful directions to my £80 seat. Great. I couldn't wait to see the effect on top seed Rafa Nadal's 130mph serve as I let loose with what the prominent South African sportswriter Jon Qwelane calls: "an instrument of hell".
First though, I thought I'd have a little warm up outside the refreshment tent. And that was when the problems started.
The prevailing sound in this reassuringly recession-proof corner of the world was the civilised slurping of champagne and strawberries, and the low burble of cultivated conversation.
One blast on the vuvu changed all that. Flags that had been merely fluttering in the breeze stood straight out. The prawns in the cocktails got up and started dancing. Then the shouts began. "Put it away!" "Ghastly!" "Learn how to play."
“At point blank range, a blast to the ear with the Vuvzela causes the red blood cells in your brain to ignite”.
However, a solution is in sight – a set of Vuvuzela-shaped earplugs for Zela-haters. “A prototype, high-quality vuvuzela-shaped earplug, which comes in various colours, is in the final stage of completion,”
On Twitter:
Less than two honking hours before kick off. Stretch it out and let's get warmed up....==========<() Hhhhoooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnlkkkkkk
Is it just me, or is this the equivalent of giving a fully-loaded nail gun to a lobotomised chimp? May God have mercy on us all…
And I’m not sure what ‘igniting’ red blood cells in your brain means but it sounds not entirely dissimilar to a seizure.
Oh, South Africa. First apartheid and now this?
BLASTER OF CEREMONIES ... Japanese fan enjoys the atmosphere
Giant Vuvuzela erected on unfinished highway in Green Point.
It's going to make a noise every time a goal is scored.
Very, very lucky local residents.
From Wikipedia
The vuvuzela (English pronunciation: /vuːvuːˈzeɪlə/) , sometimes called a "lepatata" (its Tswana name) or a stadium horn, is a blowing horn up to approximately 1 m (3 ft 3 in) in length. It is commonly blown by fansat football matches in South Africa.[1] The instrument is played using a simple brass instrument technique of blowing through compressed lips to create a buzz, and emits (from the standard shorter horn of about 60–65 cm) a loud monotone (B♭3). A similar instrument (known as corneta in Brazil and other Latin American countries) is used by football fans in South America.[2] Very similar plastic horns have also been a tradition at the Quebec Winter Carnival for many years.[3]
Vuvuzelas have been controversial.[4] They have been associated with permanent noise-induced hearing loss,[5]cited as a possible safety risk when spectators cannot hear evacuationannouncements,[6] and potentially spread colds and flu viruses on a greater scale than coughing or shouting.[7][8] Vuvuzelas have also been blamed for drowning the sound and atmosphere of football games.[9][10] Commentators have described the sound as "annoying" and "satanic"[11] and compared it with "a stampede of noisy elephants",[12] "a deafening swarm of locusts",[13] "a goat on the way to slaughter",[14] and "a giant hive full of very angry bees".[15]
The sound level of the instrument has been measured at 127 decibels[16][5] contributing to football matches with dangerously high sound pressure levels for unprotected ears.[17] A new model, however, announced on 14 June 2010, has a modified mouthpiece which is claimed to reduce the volume by 20 dB.[16]
Go, England, Go!!!
I'm a English football fan because Rooney and Green "PLAY" on the squad. They're funny just like those other comedians, Mickey Rooney and Tom Green.
Capello called Heskey after a disastrous game and said - Heskey, you were rubbish, you can't even score with no Goalkeeper between the posts from 6 yards out.
"Don't pay any attention to him, Emile", said captain Gerrard, trying to be encouraging. "He doesn't know what he's talking about. He only repeats what everybody else says."
Why are English Fane happy that Australia has a team in the 2020 World Cup? Because they'll have a team to support in the second round.
Shaun Wright Phillips walks into a night club in Johannesburg and sees a stunning leggy blonde beauty on the dance floor.
He approaches her and says, "Get your coat, your coming back to my hotel with me tonight."
She looks at him and replies, "Goodness, You're a little forward!"
• Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"
• What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.
• What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save the day.
• Three hours of football and Robert Green is still England's top scorer.
• I can't believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian
• What's the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney? The jet engine eventually stops whining.
• Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the England dressing room – Robert Green was guarding the door
• What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Before I came on here, I looked in the mirror and say'd "be confident". Fabio Capello told Wayne Rooney to have a long look at himself in the mirror. Like that's going to improve his confidence.
I can't believe we only managed a draw against a poor team we should easily have beaten. I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.
The England team went out to visit an orphanage in Cape Town on Saturday morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible," said Jamal Umboto, aged 6.
In honour of England's display against Algeria, we're unveiling a new national flag. It's the same design as before but without the red cross.
Fabio Capello gave Rob Green extra training today & after an extra 4hrs and 3000 shots he never let a goal in. Fabio was very pleased and later said in a press report "Rob green can now train with the rest of the team & not just with Emile Heskey!!
Robert Green and Oil Jokes
At least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about...
If life hands you lemons consider yourself lucky that you weren't "handed" a soccer ball like Robert Green.Before he got into football, Robert Green was a bus driver. But he got fired because he couldn't make any stops.* Why is Robert Green like ITV HD? They both switch off at the crucial moment.* Yesterday at London Zoo one of the staff let a a Central American monkey slip out of his grasp. So Robert Green's not the only English keeper to drop a Howler.* What does Robert Green do after winning the World Cup? Drops his controller.* Robert Green has just been refused a Savings Account in his Local Bank* At least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about...* All these Rob Green jokes are getting out of hand...In fact they're crossing the line* Kermit was right: It's not easy being Green.* The England lads had a get-together after the game and bought Robert Green a drink to commiserate. He spilled it.* Steven Gerrard said: "The whole team is behind Rob Green." With hindsight, that's a good place to stand.* My computer's got the Robert Green virus. It can't save anything.
What does an Englishman do after his team wins the 2010 World Cup?
Switches off his PlayStation!
Heaven vs. Hell Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan proposed a soccer game between heaven and earth. God, always fair, told the devil, 'the heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?' The devil, smiling, responded 'yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."
Rules Of The Game At one point during a soccer game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when offsides is called, or a handball is not called, you don't argue or curse or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
Striker: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick myself."
Manager: "I wouldn't bother. You'd probably miss."
A football player had dislocated his shoulder in a nasty challenge, and was still screaming in agony when they got him to hospital."For Heaven's sake," said the doctor, "don't be such a baby, you're supposed to be a big, tough defender. There's a woman having a baby next door and she's not making anything like the noise that you are.""That's as may be," wailed the footballer, "but, in her case, nobody's trying to push anything back in."
Offside definitionDefinition 1 : The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.Definition 2 : The offside rule is there to attract to football those people who can already explain how to play cricketDefinition 3 : A player is offside if they are nearer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second last player - except on alternate Saturdays when in addition the second last player must be facing in the opposite goals direction in which the ball is directed.A player is not offside if they are in their own half of the field, or they are level with the second last opponent, or the player, opponent and referee form a triangle as perceived by an imaginary linesmen positioned on the Celestial Meridian.All offside regulations are immediately found to be in favour of the defending team if shortly after the ball is played they all stop, in unison, and raise their right arm to the linesman and appeal for an offside decision.
Spare whistleA well-known footballer and his wife recently decided to take a holiday at a nudist camp. He was asked to referee the camp football match but, surprisingly, he declined the offer.'Why did you refuse to referee that match?' asked his wife.'I wasn't too happy about where I had to carry the spare whistle,' replied the husband.
How do hens encourage their football teams ?
They egg them on !Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches ?
They prefer cricket matches ! Why did the chicken get sent off ?
For persistent fowl play ! Why didn't the dog want to play football ?
It was a boxer ! Which insect didn't play well in goal ?
The fumble bee ! Where do spiders play their FA Cup final ?
Webley stadium ! When fish play football, who is the captain ?
The team's kipper ! Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market ?
They tend to go cheep ! How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden ?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts ! Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats ?
They might be cheetahs !
UNDERCOVER REPORTER
What a Dedicated Fan
Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool; Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat - next to Michael.'Who does that seat belong to?' asked the person in the next seat.
'My wife usually sits there.' Michael replied'But why isn't she here?' the neighbour persisted
'She died.' Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.'So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your mates?'
'They've all gone to the funeral.' Said Michael.
Picked for the school team"Dad, dad!" cried Philip, as he arrived home one evening. "I think I've been selected for the school football team.""That's good," said his father. "But why do you only think you've been selected? Aren't you sure? What position are you playing?""Well," replied Philip, "it's not been announced officially, but I overheard the football coach tell my teacher that if I was in the team I'd be a great draw-back.
Struck by lightningThere is only one recorded instance in soccer history of a goalkeeper being struck by lightning during a match. The goalkeeper was killed instantly and went straight to Heaven. He was greeted by an Archangel who offered to show him around.'Would you like to see our football pitch?' asked the Archangel.'Football pitch?' said the goalkeeper. 'Do you play football here?''Of course,' said the Archangel. 'We're playing Hell tomorrow in the Cup and we needed someone in goal. Why do you think we sent for you?
Really terrible legA full back with a reputation for being a really hard man on the pitch was sent off during a match. Returning to the changing room, he had a terrible leg.It was covered in cuts and bruises and had a massive gash from the top of the thigh to the knee. He had no idea whose it was.
An American visitor to England watched his very first first football match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.ootball match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.After the match he fell into conversation with one of the English players and remarked, 'You know, over in the States, our players wear thick protective clothing. You guys must be frozen stiff in those light clothes.''It's not so bad,' said the Englishman. 'Sometimes the ground is covered in snow.''You don't say!' exclaimed the American. 'What do you do about the balls? Paint them red?''Oh, no,' said the player. 'We just wear an extra pair of shorts.'
Funny Scouser Soccer Story
Memory Man
Robbie, the Scouser, [person born in Liverpool, England], is touring America on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Montana. He's chatting to the barman when he sees an old native American sitting in a corner-complete with full tribal gear, long plaits and wrinkles.'Who's he?' enquires Robbie.
'That's the Memory Man,' responds the barman. 'He knows everything. He can remember any sporting fact. Go and try him out.'So Robbie wanders over and asks, 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'
'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man.Robbie is flabbergasted.
'Who did they beat?''Leeds,' is the reply.' And the score?'
'2-1.'Amazed but not totally convinced Robbie Dave tries something more specific.
'Who scored the winning goal?'Without blinking the native American replies, 'Ian St John.'Robbie, the Liverpudlian returns home and regales his relatives and friends with his tale, and he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man.Ten years later he has saved enough money and returns to America. After weeks of searching through the towns of Montana, Dave Robbie, the Scouser steps forward, bows and greets the old man in his traditional native tongue, 'How.'The Memory Man squints at Robbie and says, 'Diving header in the six-yard box.'Some Funny, Short Soccer Jokes
Scottish Referee
What do you call a Scottish player in the first round of the World Cup?
The Referee.World Cup Referee
It was the World Cup Final dinner and dance held in the evening, after the final. The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers arrived without tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the referee.''Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?' said the bouncer as he threw them out.
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell.
God, invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. The devil proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell. God, always fair, said to the devil, "The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided. Don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"
David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice
David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
David Beckham walks into a pub.
The landlord says 'A pint of your usual, David?'
Beckham replies 'No, just a half, then I'm off'
Its the year 2019 and Romeo Beckham is about to sign professional terms with Manchester United. Pondering the situation, he asks his Father, "What squad number should I ask for dad?"
David thinks for a moment and says...
"Wear four out there Romeo"
Q: What do Barry Manilow and David Beckham have in common?
A: A: They are both f***ing useless singers.
Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box
Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
A: Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.
Q: What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common.
A: They both go in and out of Victoria
Q: What do the England footbal team and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: They've both been screwed by David Beckham.
Q: Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
A: Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!
David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ruud Van Nistelroy.
Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head.
"No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers...."I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies. "You're next."
This David Beckham jokes collection is © by Humorsphere - you can use some of these jokes on your site if you include the following caption:
This football joke collection is courtesy of HumorSphere.com , the number 1 destination for jokes, funny pictures and crazy humor.Click Here to visit HumorSphere.
Damn Vuvuzelas!!!!
**BRING BACK THE RATTLE!
Comedian Jason Manford , "I'd ban the bands, drums, horns, bagpipes, brass instruments, bells, whistles, foghorns, comb and paper, sitars, didgeridoos... "
However England's famed supporters' band told South Africa's horn-honking crowds:
"Anything vu can do, we can vu better."
2010 South Africa World Cup Theme Song:
Killing me softly with their vuvuzelas
Songs about Vuvzelas:
1
Noise Noise Noise
The Damned
Mark 68
2
Bring The Noise
Public Enemy, Anthrax & Ice T
jasonaparkes
3
Queens Of Noise
The RunawaysShivSideCar
4
Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Noise?
Age Of Chance
ireallylovemusic
5
Boom Boom
Hooker, John Lee
webcorewebcore
6
Boom Bang-a-Bang
Lulu
tincanman
7
Beautiful Noise
Diamond, Neil
Dee Sawdeley
8
Eardrum Buzz
Wire
ShivSideCar
9
Lazy Sunday Afternoon
Small Faces
gordonimmel
10
Turn That Noise Down
Chas 'n' Dave
Jegard
My Favourite South African Vuvuzela Song:
Silence is Golden
Commentators have compared the noise to stampeding elephants, a swarm of locusts, a goat on the way to slaughter and "a giant hive of very angry bees".
The 144 decibel din can equal a jet taking off and has been criticised by stars including Portugal's Cristiano Ronaldo, Argentina's Lionel Messi and French captain Patrice Evra.
The Germans have been among the biggest complainers, despite beating Australia 4-0 on Sunday.
Defender Arne Friedrich said the noise was "bloody loud". Politicians claimed it could mask emergency announcements.
Pro-ban websites have been set up across Europe. And celebrities have joined the call.
TV presenter Jonathan Ross said: "It's a horrid noise. Someone please make it stop. Bring back the rattle."
I didn’t know South Africa had weapons of mass destruction.
It's taking all the attention away from the World Cup matches. The only thing rivalling the vuvuzela is Robert Green's howler against the USA.
If Vuvuzelas are banned, security's most common question will be, "Is that a Vuvuzela in your pants?"
I have nothing against South Africans, it's just that there are so many of them and do they really have to be so aggressive
with all the singing and smiling and hand-shaking?"
" I have no problem with Africans "if they only tried to be more European".
"We're not asking for a lot," "Just perhaps a little
hair relaxant, some cigarettes, and an overwhelming sense of the
futility of hope."
Meanwhile, a delegation of South Africans has asked visiting Spaniards
to stop lisping.
"For goodness sake, English is our sixth language and we can still say
's', " "It's not Nelthon Mandela, okay? It's Nelson.
Nelssssson."
"think long and hard" before asking
locals for directions to Thanton Thquare and the thocker thtadium at
Thocker Thity.
"Spanish is just such a freaking ugly language," "It's all
just 'eth eth eth eth'. FIFA should do something about it."
Football and the World Cup is on. I have tried to watch a few games, but the spectators' blowing of vuvuzelas (those damn plastic trumpets) has made them unwatchable.
It feels like these Vuvuzela things are invading the world
Undoubtedly, there is something loveable about the vuvuzela, i own one, although i cant blow it..:-(. However, I have a little beef with the vuvuzela especially when it comes to the conflict it creates.
I hate hearing it from morning to the following morning. It is just not fair, its inconsiderate for people to go on and on with it as they do. I hate that when you complain about it you are accused of not being patriotic. I feel that some people are using it to deliberately annoy people and disturb peace using the soccer celebration as an excuse.Its comparable to young boys who join strikes whose causes they do not really understand, just so that they can bunk school and cause chaos.
Can’t these idiots expend some energy in a more orthodox manner? I don’t know, maybe by clapping, cheering, chanting…… or streaking.
By William Langley
Published: 10:45AM BST 13 Jun 2010
Ah, the glorious sounds of an English sporting summer; the whack of willow on leather, the thundering hooves of thoroughbreds, the screams of abuse as I opened up with a vuvuzela at Queens Club.
Be very afraid. The fearsome soundtrack to the World Cup is on its way to a sports event near you. Trees will be stripped of their leaves.
Grandstands will creak and shudder. Supposedly invented to scare baboons away from remote African villages, the mass-produced vuvuzela makes the kind of noise you'd expect to hear if you had a hippo in a headlock.
Practised players can generate an awesome 127-decibels, a level humans rarely encounter outside war zones or Twisted Sister concerts.
All this from a simple plastic trumpet? The secret, apparently, is hitting the raucous "BAAARRRP" note – an operation that requires careful concentration and stupendous amounts of puff.
"Loud and proud," boast the massed South African football fans who – to the dismay of the game's stiffer elements – intend to fill every stadium with a racket that makes "Ing-er-lund" sound like Ave Maria.
But how would the 'vuvu' play, so to speak, at other sports events? I set off on a trip around some quintessentially English venues to find out.
"They'll never let you take that in, old boy," a chap in a Panama hat told me as we stood in the queue outside Queen's Club, West London, where some of the world's best tennis players were engaged in the annual pre-Wimbledon grass court tournament. Ahead was an ominous sign which said: 'Bag Search'.
This required some fast thinking. You can't conceal a three-foot trumpet in your trouser leg without the risk of someone saying: "Is that a vuvuzela in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"
What else could I do? Maybe claim it was a hearing aid, or that I was an entrant for the Queen's Club 'Yard of Pimm's' competition.
In fact, all I got was nods and smiles, and helpful directions to my £80 seat. Great. I couldn't wait to see the effect on top seed Rafa Nadal's 130mph serve as I let loose with what the prominent South African sportswriter Jon Qwelane calls: "an instrument of hell".
First though, I thought I'd have a little warm up outside the refreshment tent. And that was when the problems started.
The prevailing sound in this reassuringly recession-proof corner of the world was the civilised slurping of champagne and strawberries, and the low burble of cultivated conversation.
One blast on the vuvu changed all that. Flags that had been merely fluttering in the breeze stood straight out. The prawns in the cocktails got up and started dancing. Then the shouts began. "Put it away!" "Ghastly!" "Learn how to play."
“At point blank range, a blast to the ear with the Vuvzela causes the red blood cells in your brain to ignite”.
However, a solution is in sight – a set of Vuvuzela-shaped earplugs for Zela-haters. “A prototype, high-quality vuvuzela-shaped earplug, which comes in various colours, is in the final stage of completion,”
On Twitter:
Less than two honking hours before kick off. Stretch it out and let's get warmed up....==========<() Hhhhoooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnlkkkkkk
Is it just me, or is this the equivalent of giving a fully-loaded nail gun to a lobotomised chimp? May God have mercy on us all…
And I’m not sure what ‘igniting’ red blood cells in your brain means but it sounds not entirely dissimilar to a seizure.
Oh, South Africa. First apartheid and now this?
BLASTER OF CEREMONIES ... Japanese fan enjoys the atmosphere
Giant Vuvuzela erected on unfinished highway in Green Point.
It's going to make a noise every time a goal is scored.
Very, very lucky local residents.
From Wikipedia
The vuvuzela (English pronunciation: /vuːvuːˈzeɪlə/) , sometimes called a "lepatata" (its Tswana name) or a stadium horn, is a blowing horn up to approximately 1 m (3 ft 3 in) in length. It is commonly blown by fansat football matches in South Africa.[1] The instrument is played using a simple brass instrument technique of blowing through compressed lips to create a buzz, and emits (from the standard shorter horn of about 60–65 cm) a loud monotone (B♭3). A similar instrument (known as corneta in Brazil and other Latin American countries) is used by football fans in South America.[2] Very similar plastic horns have also been a tradition at the Quebec Winter Carnival for many years.[3]
Vuvuzelas have been controversial.[4] They have been associated with permanent noise-induced hearing loss,[5]cited as a possible safety risk when spectators cannot hear evacuationannouncements,[6] and potentially spread colds and flu viruses on a greater scale than coughing or shouting.[7][8] Vuvuzelas have also been blamed for drowning the sound and atmosphere of football games.[9][10] Commentators have described the sound as "annoying" and "satanic"[11] and compared it with "a stampede of noisy elephants",[12] "a deafening swarm of locusts",[13] "a goat on the way to slaughter",[14] and "a giant hive full of very angry bees".[15]
The sound level of the instrument has been measured at 127 decibels[16][5] contributing to football matches with dangerously high sound pressure levels for unprotected ears.[17] A new model, however, announced on 14 June 2010, has a modified mouthpiece which is claimed to reduce the volume by 20 dB.[16]
Robert Green and Oil Jokes
At least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about...
If life hands you lemons consider yourself lucky that you weren't "handed" a soccer ball like Robert Green.Before he got into football, Robert Green was a bus driver. But he got fired because he couldn't make any stops.* Why is Robert Green like ITV HD? They both switch off at the crucial moment.* Yesterday at London Zoo one of the staff let a a Central American monkey slip out of his grasp. So Robert Green's not the only English keeper to drop a Howler.* What does Robert Green do after winning the World Cup? Drops his controller.* Robert Green has just been refused a Savings Account in his Local Bank* At least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about...* All these Rob Green jokes are getting out of hand...In fact they're crossing the line* Kermit was right: It's not easy being Green.* The England lads had a get-together after the game and bought Robert Green a drink to commiserate. He spilled it.* Steven Gerrard said: "The whole team is behind Rob Green." With hindsight, that's a good place to stand.* My computer's got the Robert Green virus. It can't save anything.
What does an Englishman do after his team wins the 2010 World Cup?
Switches off his PlayStation!
Heaven vs. Hell Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan proposed a soccer game between heaven and earth. God, always fair, told the devil, 'the heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?' The devil, smiling, responded 'yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."
Rules Of The Game At one point during a soccer game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when offsides is called, or a handball is not called, you don't argue or curse or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
Striker: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick myself."
Manager: "I wouldn't bother. You'd probably miss."
A football player had dislocated his shoulder in a nasty challenge, and was still screaming in agony when they got him to hospital."For Heaven's sake," said the doctor, "don't be such a baby, you're supposed to be a big, tough defender. There's a woman having a baby next door and she's not making anything like the noise that you are.""That's as may be," wailed the footballer, "but, in her case, nobody's trying to push anything back in."
Offside definitionDefinition 1 : The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.Definition 2 : The offside rule is there to attract to football those people who can already explain how to play cricketDefinition 3 : A player is offside if they are nearer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second last player - except on alternate Saturdays when in addition the second last player must be facing in the opposite goals direction in which the ball is directed.A player is not offside if they are in their own half of the field, or they are level with the second last opponent, or the player, opponent and referee form a triangle as perceived by an imaginary linesmen positioned on the Celestial Meridian.All offside regulations are immediately found to be in favour of the defending team if shortly after the ball is played they all stop, in unison, and raise their right arm to the linesman and appeal for an offside decision.
Spare whistleA well-known footballer and his wife recently decided to take a holiday at a nudist camp. He was asked to referee the camp football match but, surprisingly, he declined the offer.'Why did you refuse to referee that match?' asked his wife.'I wasn't too happy about where I had to carry the spare whistle,' replied the husband.
How do hens encourage their football teams ?
They egg them on !Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches ?
They prefer cricket matches ! Why did the chicken get sent off ?
For persistent fowl play ! Why didn't the dog want to play football ?
It was a boxer ! Which insect didn't play well in goal ?
The fumble bee ! Where do spiders play their FA Cup final ?
Webley stadium ! When fish play football, who is the captain ?
The team's kipper ! Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market ?
They tend to go cheep ! How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden ?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts ! Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats ?
They might be cheetahs !
UNDERCOVER REPORTER
What a Dedicated Fan
Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool; Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat - next to Michael.'Who does that seat belong to?' asked the person in the next seat.
'My wife usually sits there.' Michael replied'But why isn't she here?' the neighbour persisted
'She died.' Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.'So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your mates?'
'They've all gone to the funeral.' Said Michael.
Picked for the school team"Dad, dad!" cried Philip, as he arrived home one evening. "I think I've been selected for the school football team.""That's good," said his father. "But why do you only think you've been selected? Aren't you sure? What position are you playing?""Well," replied Philip, "it's not been announced officially, but I overheard the football coach tell my teacher that if I was in the team I'd be a great draw-back.
Struck by lightningThere is only one recorded instance in soccer history of a goalkeeper being struck by lightning during a match. The goalkeeper was killed instantly and went straight to Heaven. He was greeted by an Archangel who offered to show him around.'Would you like to see our football pitch?' asked the Archangel.'Football pitch?' said the goalkeeper. 'Do you play football here?''Of course,' said the Archangel. 'We're playing Hell tomorrow in the Cup and we needed someone in goal. Why do you think we sent for you?
Really terrible legA full back with a reputation for being a really hard man on the pitch was sent off during a match. Returning to the changing room, he had a terrible leg.It was covered in cuts and bruises and had a massive gash from the top of the thigh to the knee. He had no idea whose it was.
An American visitor to England watched his very first first football match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.ootball match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.After the match he fell into conversation with one of the English players and remarked, 'You know, over in the States, our players wear thick protective clothing. You guys must be frozen stiff in those light clothes.''It's not so bad,' said the Englishman. 'Sometimes the ground is covered in snow.''You don't say!' exclaimed the American. 'What do you do about the balls? Paint them red?''Oh, no,' said the player. 'We just wear an extra pair of shorts.'
Funny Scouser Soccer Story
Memory Man
Robbie, the Scouser, [person born in Liverpool, England], is touring America on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Montana. He's chatting to the barman when he sees an old native American sitting in a corner-complete with full tribal gear, long plaits and wrinkles.'Who's he?' enquires Robbie.
'That's the Memory Man,' responds the barman. 'He knows everything. He can remember any sporting fact. Go and try him out.'So Robbie wanders over and asks, 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'
'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man.Robbie is flabbergasted.
'Who did they beat?''Leeds,' is the reply.' And the score?'
'2-1.'Amazed but not totally convinced Robbie Dave tries something more specific.
'Who scored the winning goal?'Without blinking the native American replies, 'Ian St John.'Robbie, the Liverpudlian returns home and regales his relatives and friends with his tale, and he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man.Ten years later he has saved enough money and returns to America. After weeks of searching through the towns of Montana, Dave Robbie, the Scouser steps forward, bows and greets the old man in his traditional native tongue, 'How.'The Memory Man squints at Robbie and says, 'Diving header in the six-yard box.'Some Funny, Short Soccer Jokes
Scottish Referee
What do you call a Scottish player in the first round of the World Cup?
The Referee.World Cup Referee
It was the World Cup Final dinner and dance held in the evening, after the final. The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers arrived without tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the referee.''Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?' said the bouncer as he threw them out.
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell.
God, invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. The devil proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell. God, always fair, said to the devil, "The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided. Don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"
David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice
David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
David Beckham walks into a pub.
The landlord says 'A pint of your usual, David?'
Beckham replies 'No, just a half, then I'm off'
Its the year 2019 and Romeo Beckham is about to sign professional terms with Manchester United. Pondering the situation, he asks his Father, "What squad number should I ask for dad?"
David thinks for a moment and says...
"Wear four out there Romeo"
Q: What do Barry Manilow and David Beckham have in common?
A: A: They are both f***ing useless singers.
Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box
Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
A: Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.
Q: What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common.
A: They both go in and out of Victoria
Q: What do the England footbal team and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: They've both been screwed by David Beckham.
Q: Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
A: Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!
David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ruud Van Nistelroy.
Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head.
"No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers...."I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies. "You're next."
This David Beckham jokes collection is © by Humorsphere - you can use some of these jokes on your site if you include the following caption:
This football joke collection is courtesy of HumorSphere.com , the number 1 destination for jokes, funny pictures and crazy humor.Click Here to visit HumorSphere.
Robert Green and Oil Jokes
At least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about...
If life hands you lemons consider yourself lucky that you weren't "handed" a soccer ball like Robert Green.
Before he got into football, Robert Green was a bus driver. But he got fired because he couldn't make any stops.
* Why is Robert Green like ITV HD? They both switch off at the crucial moment.
* Yesterday at London Zoo one of the staff let a a Central American monkey slip out of his grasp. So Robert Green's not the only English keeper to drop a Howler.
* What does Robert Green do after winning the World Cup? Drops his controller.
* Robert Green has just been refused a Savings Account in his Local Bank
* At least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about...
* All these Rob Green jokes are getting out of hand...In fact they're crossing the line
* Kermit was right: It's not easy being Green.
* The England lads had a get-together after the game and bought Robert Green a drink to commiserate. He spilled it.
* Steven Gerrard said: "The whole team is behind Rob Green." With hindsight, that's a good place to stand.
* My computer's got the Robert Green virus. It can't save anything.
What does an Englishman do after his team wins the 2010 World Cup?
Switches off his PlayStation!
Heaven vs. Hell Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan proposed a soccer game between heaven and earth. God, always fair, told the devil, 'the heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?' The devil, smiling, responded 'yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."
Rules Of The Game At one point during a soccer game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when offsides is called, or a handball is not called, you don't argue or curse or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
Striker: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick myself."
Manager: "I wouldn't bother. You'd probably miss."
A football player had dislocated his shoulder in a nasty challenge, and was still screaming in agony when they got him to hospital.
"For Heaven's sake," said the doctor, "don't be such a baby, you're supposed to be a big, tough defender. There's a woman having a baby next door and she's not making anything like the noise that you are."
"That's as may be," wailed the footballer, "but, in her case, nobody's trying to push anything back in."
Offside definition
Definition 1 : The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.
Definition 2 : The offside rule is there to attract to football those people who can already explain how to play cricket
Definition 3 : A player is offside if they are nearer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second last player - except on alternate Saturdays when in addition the second last player must be facing in the opposite goals direction in which the ball is directed.
A player is not offside if they are in their own half of the field, or they are level with the second last opponent, or the player, opponent and referee form a triangle as perceived by an imaginary linesmen positioned on the Celestial Meridian.
All offside regulations are immediately found to be in favour of the defending team if shortly after the ball is played they all stop, in unison, and raise their right arm to the linesman and appeal for an offside decision.
Spare whistle
A well-known footballer and his wife recently decided to take a holiday at a nudist camp. He was asked to referee the camp football match but, surprisingly, he declined the offer.
'Why did you refuse to referee that match?' asked his wife.
'I wasn't too happy about where I had to carry the spare whistle,' replied the husband.
How do hens encourage their football teams ? They egg them on ! |
| Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches ? They prefer cricket matches ! |
| Why did the chicken get sent off ? For persistent fowl play ! |
| Why didn't the dog want to play football ? It was a boxer ! |
| Which insect didn't play well in goal ? The fumble bee ! |
| Where do spiders play their FA Cup final ? Webley stadium ! |
| When fish play football, who is the captain ? The team's kipper ! |
| Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market ? They tend to go cheep ! |
| How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden ? Hide the ball, it drives them nuts ! |
| Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats ? They might be cheetahs ! |
UNDERCOVER REPORTER
What a Dedicated Fan
Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool; Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat - next to Michael.
'Who does that seat belong to?' asked the person in the next seat.
'My wife usually sits there.' Michael replied
'My wife usually sits there.' Michael replied
'But why isn't she here?' the neighbour persisted
'She died.' Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.
'She died.' Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.
'So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your mates?'
'They've all gone to the funeral.' Said Michael.
'They've all gone to the funeral.' Said Michael.
Picked for the school team
"Dad, dad!" cried Philip, as he arrived home one evening. "I think I've been selected for the school football team."
"That's good," said his father. "But why do you only think you've been selected? Aren't you sure? What position are you playing?"
"Well," replied Philip, "it's not been announced officially, but I overheard the football coach tell my teacher that if I was in the team I'd be a great draw-back.
Struck by lightning
There is only one recorded instance in soccer history of a goalkeeper being struck by lightning during a match. The goalkeeper was killed instantly and went straight to Heaven. He was greeted by an Archangel who offered to show him around.
'Would you like to see our football pitch?' asked the Archangel.
'Football pitch?' said the goalkeeper. 'Do you play football here?'
'Of course,' said the Archangel. 'We're playing Hell tomorrow in the Cup and we needed someone in goal. Why do you think we sent for you?
Really terrible leg
A full back with a reputation for being a really hard man on the pitch was sent off during a match. Returning to the changing room, he had a terrible leg.
It was covered in cuts and bruises and had a massive gash from the top of the thigh to the knee. He had no idea whose it was.An American visitor to England watched his very first first football match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.ootball match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.
After the match he fell into conversation with one of the English players and remarked, 'You know, over in the States, our players wear thick protective clothing. You guys must be frozen stiff in those light clothes.'
'It's not so bad,' said the Englishman. 'Sometimes the ground is covered in snow.'
'You don't say!' exclaimed the American. 'What do you do about the balls? Paint them red?'
'Oh, no,' said the player. 'We just wear an extra pair of shorts.'
Funny Scouser Soccer Story
Memory Man
Robbie, the Scouser, [person born in Liverpool, England], is touring America on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Montana. He's chatting to the barman when he sees an old native American sitting in a corner-complete with full tribal gear, long plaits and wrinkles.
'Who's he?' enquires Robbie.
'That's the Memory Man,' responds the barman. 'He knows everything. He can remember any sporting fact. Go and try him out.'
'That's the Memory Man,' responds the barman. 'He knows everything. He can remember any sporting fact. Go and try him out.'
So Robbie wanders over and asks, 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'
'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man.
'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man.
Robbie is flabbergasted.
'Who did they beat?'
'Who did they beat?'
'Leeds,' is the reply.' And the score?'
'2-1.'
'2-1.'
Amazed but not totally convinced Robbie Dave tries something more specific.
'Who scored the winning goal?'
'Who scored the winning goal?'
Without blinking the native American replies, 'Ian St John.'
Robbie, the Liverpudlian returns home and regales his relatives and friends with his tale, and he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man.
Ten years later he has saved enough money and returns to America. After weeks of searching through the towns of Montana, Dave Robbie, the Scouser steps forward, bows and greets the old man in his traditional native tongue, 'How.'
The Memory Man squints at Robbie and says, 'Diving header in the six-yard box.'
Some Funny, Short Soccer Jokes
Scottish Referee
What do you call a Scottish player in the first round of the World Cup?
The Referee.
The Referee.
World Cup Referee
It was the World Cup Final dinner and dance held in the evening, after the final. The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers arrived without tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the referee.'
'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?' said the bouncer as he threw them out.
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell.
God, invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. The devil proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell. God, always fair, said to the devil, "The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided. Don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"
David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice
David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
David Beckham walks into a pub.
The landlord says 'A pint of your usual, David?'
Beckham replies 'No, just a half, then I'm off'
Its the year 2019 and Romeo Beckham is about to sign professional terms with Manchester United. Pondering the situation, he asks his Father, "What squad number should I ask for dad?"
David thinks for a moment and says...
"Wear four out there Romeo"
Q: What do Barry Manilow and David Beckham have in common?
A: A: They are both f***ing useless singers.
Q: Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
A: They both come in a posh box
Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
A: Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.
Q: What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common.
A: They both go in and out of Victoria
Q: What do the England footbal team and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: They've both been screwed by David Beckham.
Q: Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
A: Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!
David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ruud Van Nistelroy.
Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head.
"No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers...."I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies. "You're next."
This David Beckham jokes collection is © by Humorsphere - you can use some of these jokes on your site if you include the following caption:
This football joke collection is courtesy of HumorSphere.com , the number 1 destination for jokes, funny pictures and crazy humor.Click Here to visit HumorSphere.
Damn Vuvuzelas!!!!
**
BRING BACK THE RATTLE!
Comedian Jason Manford , "I'd ban the bands, drums, horns, bagpipes, brass instruments, bells, whistles, foghorns, comb and paper, sitars, didgeridoos... "
However England's famed supporters' band told South Africa's horn-honking crowds:
"Anything vu can do, we can vu better."
2010 South Africa World Cup Theme Song:
Killing me softly with their vuvuzelas
Songs about Vuvzelas:
1
Noise Noise Noise
The Damned
Mark 68
2
Bring The Noise
Public Enemy, Anthrax & Ice T
jasonaparkes
3
Queens Of Noise
The RunawaysShivSideCar
4
Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Noise?
Age Of Chance
ireallylovemusic
5
Boom Boom
Hooker, John Lee
webcorewebcore
6
Boom Bang-a-Bang
Lulu
tincanman
7
Beautiful Noise
Diamond, Neil
Dee Sawdeley
8
Eardrum Buzz
Wire
ShivSideCar
9
Lazy Sunday Afternoon
Small Faces
gordonimmel
10
Turn That Noise Down
Chas 'n' Dave
Jegard
1
Noise Noise Noise
The Damned
Mark 68
2
Bring The Noise
Public Enemy, Anthrax & Ice T
jasonaparkes
3
Queens Of Noise
The Runaways
ShivSideCar
4
Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Noise?
Age Of Chance
ireallylovemusic
5
Boom Boom
Hooker, John Lee
webcorewebcore
6
Boom Bang-a-Bang
Lulu
tincanman
7
Beautiful Noise
Diamond, Neil
Dee Sawdeley
8
Eardrum Buzz
Wire
ShivSideCar
9
Lazy Sunday Afternoon
Small Faces
gordonimmel
10
Turn That Noise Down
Chas 'n' Dave
Jegard
My Favourite South African Vuvuzela Song:
Silence is Golden
Commentators have compared the noise to stampeding elephants, a swarm of locusts, a goat on the way to slaughter and "a giant hive of very angry bees".
The 144 decibel din can equal a jet taking off and has been criticised by stars including Portugal's Cristiano Ronaldo, Argentina's Lionel Messi and French captain Patrice Evra.
The Germans have been among the biggest complainers, despite beating Australia 4-0 on Sunday.
Defender Arne Friedrich said the noise was "bloody loud". Politicians claimed it could mask emergency announcements.
Pro-ban websites have been set up across Europe. And celebrities have joined the call.
TV presenter Jonathan Ross said: "It's a horrid noise. Someone please make it stop. Bring back the rattle."
I didn’t know South Africa had weapons of mass destruction.
It's taking all the attention away from the World Cup matches. The only thing rivalling the vuvuzela is Robert Green's howler against the USA.
If Vuvuzelas are banned, security's most common question will be, "Is that a Vuvuzela in your pants?"
I have nothing against South Africans, it's just that there are so many of them and do they really have to be so aggressive
with all the singing and smiling and hand-shaking?"
" I have no problem with Africans "if they only tried to be more European".
"We're not asking for a lot," "Just perhaps a little
hair relaxant, some cigarettes, and an overwhelming sense of the
futility of hope."
Meanwhile, a delegation of South Africans has asked visiting Spaniards
to stop lisping.
"For goodness sake, English is our sixth language and we can still say
's', " "It's not Nelthon Mandela, okay? It's Nelson.
Nelssssson."
"think long and hard" before asking
locals for directions to Thanton Thquare and the thocker thtadium at
Thocker Thity.
"Spanish is just such a freaking ugly language," "It's all
just 'eth eth eth eth'. FIFA should do something about it."
Football and the World Cup is on. I have tried to watch a few games, but the spectators' blowing of vuvuzelas (those damn plastic trumpets) has made them unwatchable.
It feels like these Vuvuzela things are invading the world
Undoubtedly, there is something loveable about the vuvuzela, i own one, although i cant blow it..:-(. However, I have a little beef with the vuvuzela especially when it comes to the conflict it creates.
I hate hearing it from morning to the following morning. It is just not fair, its inconsiderate for people to go on and on with it as they do. I hate that when you complain about it you are accused of not being patriotic. I feel that some people are using it to deliberately annoy people and disturb peace using the soccer celebration as an excuse.Its comparable to young boys who join strikes whose causes they do not really understand, just so that they can bunk school and cause chaos.
Can’t these idiots expend some energy in a more orthodox manner? I don’t know, maybe by clapping, cheering, chanting…… or streaking.
By William Langley
Published: 10:45AM BST 13 Jun 2010
Ah, the glorious sounds of an English sporting summer; the whack of willow on leather, the thundering hooves of thoroughbreds, the screams of abuse as I opened up with a vuvuzela at Queens Club.
Be very afraid. The fearsome soundtrack to the World Cup is on its way to a sports event near you. Trees will be stripped of their leaves.
Grandstands will creak and shudder. Supposedly invented to scare baboons away from remote African villages, the mass-produced vuvuzela makes the kind of noise you'd expect to hear if you had a hippo in a headlock.
Practised players can generate an awesome 127-decibels, a level humans rarely encounter outside war zones or Twisted Sister concerts.
All this from a simple plastic trumpet? The secret, apparently, is hitting the raucous "BAAARRRP" note – an operation that requires careful concentration and stupendous amounts of puff.
"Loud and proud," boast the massed South African football fans who – to the dismay of the game's stiffer elements – intend to fill every stadium with a racket that makes "Ing-er-lund" sound like Ave Maria.
But how would the 'vuvu' play, so to speak, at other sports events? I set off on a trip around some quintessentially English venues to find out.
"They'll never let you take that in, old boy," a chap in a Panama hat told me as we stood in the queue outside Queen's Club, West London, where some of the world's best tennis players were engaged in the annual pre-Wimbledon grass court tournament. Ahead was an ominous sign which said: 'Bag Search'.
This required some fast thinking. You can't conceal a three-foot trumpet in your trouser leg without the risk of someone saying: "Is that a vuvuzela in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"
What else could I do? Maybe claim it was a hearing aid, or that I was an entrant for the Queen's Club 'Yard of Pimm's' competition.
In fact, all I got was nods and smiles, and helpful directions to my £80 seat. Great. I couldn't wait to see the effect on top seed Rafa Nadal's 130mph serve as I let loose with what the prominent South African sportswriter Jon Qwelane calls: "an instrument of hell".
First though, I thought I'd have a little warm up outside the refreshment tent. And that was when the problems started.
The prevailing sound in this reassuringly recession-proof corner of the world was the civilised slurping of champagne and strawberries, and the low burble of cultivated conversation.
One blast on the vuvu changed all that. Flags that had been merely fluttering in the breeze stood straight out. The prawns in the cocktails got up and started dancing. Then the shouts began. "Put it away!" "Ghastly!" "Learn how to play."
“At point blank range, a blast to the ear with the Vuvzela causes the red blood cells in your brain to ignite”.
However, a solution is in sight – a set of Vuvuzela-shaped earplugs for Zela-haters. “A prototype, high-quality vuvuzela-shaped earplug, which comes in various colours, is in the final stage of completion,”
On Twitter:
Less than two honking hours before kick off. Stretch it out and let's get warmed up....==========<() Hhhhoooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnlkkkkkk
Is it just me, or is this the equivalent of giving a fully-loaded nail gun to a lobotomised chimp? May God have mercy on us all…
And I’m not sure what ‘igniting’ red blood cells in your brain means but it sounds not entirely dissimilar to a seizure.
Oh, South Africa. First apartheid and now this?
BLASTER OF CEREMONIES ... Japanese fan enjoys the atmosphere
Giant Vuvuzela erected on unfinished highway in Green Point.
It's going to make a noise every time a goal is scored.
Very, very lucky local residents.
From Wikipedia
The vuvuzela (English pronunciation: /vuːvuːˈzeɪlə/) , sometimes called a "lepatata" (its Tswana name) or a stadium horn, is a blowing horn up to approximately 1 m (3 ft 3 in) in length. It is commonly blown by fansat football matches in South Africa.[1] The instrument is played using a simple brass instrument technique of blowing through compressed lips to create a buzz, and emits (from the standard shorter horn of about 60–65 cm) a loud monotone (B♭3). A similar instrument (known as corneta in Brazil and other Latin American countries) is used by football fans in South America.[2] Very similar plastic horns have also been a tradition at the Quebec Winter Carnival for many years.[3]
Vuvuzelas have been controversial.[4] They have been associated with permanent noise-induced hearing loss,[5]cited as a possible safety risk when spectators cannot hear evacuationannouncements,[6] and potentially spread colds and flu viruses on a greater scale than coughing or shouting.[7][8] Vuvuzelas have also been blamed for drowning the sound and atmosphere of football games.[9][10] Commentators have described the sound as "annoying" and "satanic"[11] and compared it with "a stampede of noisy elephants",[12] "a deafening swarm of locusts",[13] "a goat on the way to slaughter",[14] and "a giant hive full of very angry bees".[15]
The sound level of the instrument has been measured at 127 decibels[16][5] contributing to football matches with dangerously high sound pressure levels for unprotected ears.[17] A new model, however, announced on 14 June 2010, has a modified mouthpiece which is claimed to reduce the volume by 20 dB.[16]
Go, England, Go!!!
I'm a English football fan because Rooney and Green "PLAY" on the squad. They're funny just like those other comedians, Mickey Rooney and Tom Green.
Capello called Heskey after a disastrous game and said - Heskey, you were rubbish, you can't even score with no Goalkeeper between the posts from 6 yards out.
"Don't pay any attention to him, Emile", said captain Gerrard, trying to be encouraging. "He doesn't know what he's talking about. He only repeats what everybody else says."
Why are English Fane happy that Australia has a team in the 2020 World Cup? Because they'll have a team to support in the second round.
Shaun Wright Phillips walks into a night club in Johannesburg and sees a stunning leggy blonde beauty on the dance floor.
He approaches her and says, "Get your coat, your coming back to my hotel with me tonight."
She looks at him and replies, "Goodness, You're a little forward!"
• Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"
• What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.
• What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save the day.
• Three hours of football and Robert Green is still England's top scorer.
• I can't believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian
• What's the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney? The jet engine eventually stops whining.
• Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the England dressing room – Robert Green was guarding the door
• What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Before I came on here, I looked in the mirror and say'd "be confident". Fabio Capello told Wayne Rooney to have a long look at himself in the mirror. Like that's going to improve his confidence.
I can't believe we only managed a draw against a poor team we should easily have beaten. I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.
The England team went out to visit an orphanage in Cape Town on Saturday morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible," said Jamal Umboto, aged 6.
In honour of England's display against Algeria, we're unveiling a new national flag. It's the same design as before but without the red cross.
Fabio Capello gave Rob Green extra training today & after an extra 4hrs and 3000 shots he never let a goal in. Fabio was very pleased and later said in a press report "Rob green can now train with the rest of the team & not just with Emile Heskey!!
DINNER WITH THE SOCCER MOMS
A group of 40 year old soccer moms discussed where they should meet
for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the
Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and
nice buns.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was
very good and the wine selection was good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed
where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in
peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the
ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was
wheelchair Accessible and they even had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they
should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been
there before.
OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal.
OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just lose their kick.
A man went off to a football match one Saturday afternoon, and while he was away his wife was 'visited by a 'friend'who just happened to be jogging past her house and was dressed in shorts and singlet.
The wife was happily entertaining him on the sofa when suddenly they heard her husband coming through the front door.
Quick as a flash, the visitor hid behind the large television set in the corner.
The husband came in and said...
'It's started to pour with rain so I thought I'd come home and watch the second half on telly.'
He switched on the television and settled down to watch the game. After about twenty minutes the wife's visitor started to get severe cramp so, casting caution to the winds, he calmly got up from behind the set and walked out of the room.
The husband turned to his wife and said...
'That's funny - I didn't see the ref send him off.'
The French manager at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa won't stand for any nonsense. Last Saturday he caught a couple of fans climbing over the stadium wall.
He was furious. He grabbed them by the collars and said,
"Now you just get back in there and watch the game till it finishes."
Damn Vuvuzelas!
There is a poster circulated around the Soccer City Stadium in Johannesburg.
'Man offers marriage to woman supplying World Cup Final ticket for July 11, 2010. Replies must enclose photograph of ticket.'
England Out of Africa
